Dealing With Loss and Grief During the Holidays

© Don Aycock

Liberty Baptist Church

www.libertychurchputnam.com

 The thought of approaching holidays does not always bring delight. Sometimes it brings a lump in the throat and tear to the eye. Other people may be buying gifts and planning trips. But you may be planning how to avoid parties and stay away from people.  

 Holidays do not necessarily create feelings of grief in us. Instead, they intensify the feelings that are already present. How can we deal with the sense of loss and grief we might feel during holidays?

 Think of the word future. It will help us get a handle on how we feel and what we can do about it. 

Focus on the Here and Now.

We don’t just have memories—we are our memories. They help define us and know who we are. A person without memories is to be pitied. Have you ever known someone with Alzheimer’s disease? If so, then you understand.

 But we cannot live only in the past. We can become an emotional Lot’s wife, always looking behind us to see what lay back there. Maybe it was helpful and good. Maybe it was painful. But at least the past was known. The future can be scary and uncertain.

 A helpful strategy for dealing with holiday grief is to look at today and plan for now. This does not mean that you have to forget the past. It simply means that you determine not to be stuck there. If your situation is different from what it used to be, ask yourself how you might still have a meaningful holiday. What can you do differently? Are there other people in your similar situation you could be with?

 Don’t just drift. Plan. Think about today. Do something for yourself. Focus on the here and now.

Understand Your Changing Situation.

 People in a crisis often feel they are walking an uncharted road. For them it may be, but many others have walked that road before. Those who have gone before have blazed a trail and left behind maps that will help you navigate the rugged terrain.

 Investigate what you are going through. Read books and other material about grief. They will help you understand how you feel. Go to the library or bookstore and get some books on grief. Read and absorb them. One person who did this was amazed that some of the writers were able to articulate exactly what she was feeling. She said, “I had never really thought that anyone had felt this way, but now I see they have.” Granger Westberg’s little book, Good Grief, has sold hundreds of thousands of copies and has helped many people deal with loss.[1] Many others like it are in print. Understanding what a grieving person is going through is itself part of the healing process.

 Your religious faith comes into play here, too. Ask God for help in understanding this time and in getting through it. If you are familiar with the Psalms then you know that many of them are very open about the terrible situation the author was in. Some express anger and frustration, but they always look beyond the pain of the moment to divine help. Consider Psalm 34:18-19 for example: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.” (NIV)

Touch As Often As Appropriate.

 We never lose our need to touch. Age or grief does not necessarily blunt our need to touch other people and be touched. In fact, it may increase it. I learned this fact many years ago when I was a young pastor. One day I went to visit an older friend of mine in a nursing home. As I walked through the lobby I heard someone laughing. I turned to see an older woman standing there. She was laughing at me. Although I did not know her I stopped. She looked at me intently and said, “You know, you look just like my old man!” Then it was my turn to laugh. She said, “I sure wish I could hug you.” I stepped up to her and said, “Be my guest.” That lady latched on to me with surprising strength. When we had hugged each other for a moment, she laughed some more and then shuffled off down the hall. I never saw her again.

 That experience convinced me that everyone needs to touch and be touched in appropriate ways, even in times of grief. Television personality Joan Rivers’ husband committed suicide. Their daughter was a student at the University of Pennsylvania at the time. She said, “A lot of people, ones I expected nothing from, would just randomly come up and hug me and then walk away. It was very moving.”[2]

 Some people do not like to be touched, so be careful about this. Others who are still grieving recoil from touch. Be sensitive to the needs of those around you. If you need a hug or someone to hold your hand for a while, tell people. Most will gladly oblige.

Unite With Other People in Your Same Situation.

 Being together with others who have experienced the same losses as you have can be a great comfort. But heed this caution. Don’t let your time together become a protracted “pity party.” Most communities have various support groups for survivors of losses. There are support groups for divorce, survivors of suicides, losses of a child, and others. These groups can help a grieving person walk through the known issues that will crop up from time to time during the grieving process.

 The Bible has an example of a group of people going through grief together and helping each other. Psalm 137 gives this picture. The Jews had been deported to Babylon. Thinking of their former homeland was bitter to them. Listen to their cry: “By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion. There on the poplars we hung our harps, for there our captors asked us for songs, our tormentors demanded songs of joy; they said, ‘Sing us one of the songs of Zion!’ How can we sing the songs of the LORD in a foreign land?” You can feel the collective grief expressed in this Psalm. The people went through it together and helped each other.

 Alfred, Lord Tennyson, wrote in his In Memoriam: “That loss is common would not make my own less bitter, rather more. Too common! Never morning wore to evening, but some heart did not break.”[3] The commonness of loss and grief caught Tennyson’s attention. It catches ours, too. Others have experienced what you have. Let them help you.

Reach Out To Others In Need.

 You are not the only person who has experienced grief. Many others have, too. One thing many people find helpful during grief is reaching out to others and doing something for them. One man whose wife died said, “I have discovered that the routine tasks of maintaining my job and family have helped restore in my life that familiar structure which the chaos of grief threatened to destroy.” The very act of helping his children and going to work to do his part helped him during his time of grief.

 Doing something for others helps to relieve your sense of loss and helps you to heal. Can you think of people who need you now? Even if you do not have children living at home now, you probably have neighbors, friends at church, and acquaintances at civic clubs who could genuinely use your help. Giving yourself away in service is one helpful way to heal from your own wound of grief.

Evolve With the Times.

 You have experienced a great loss. There is no one way to deal with it. There are, instead, many ways. But whatever you do, you need to know that things will never be exactly as they were before. Situations change. The key word here is adapt. Be willing to change and be flexible.

 One family was willing to change like this. The wife and mother of this family died during surgery. The husband and grown children were devastated. They had not expected the death. The first Christmas after her death was a time of high anxiety for them. How would they get through the holidays without her?

 She had collected small bells for years. The family decided to get together for Christmas as usual, but this time everyone would bring a bell in honor of their loved one. It was a new ritual they started that will help them heal and still honor the memory of their loved one.

 Maybe you need to begin new traditions and rituals. We are not stuck doing the same things over and over again. Change with your circumstances when appropriate. Evolve with the times.

 This will give you a future— something to look forward to and to live for. May God bless you during this special time of the year.

IN PRAISE OF WHAT LASTS

 We replaced our old microwave oven recently. The remarkable thing is that we bought it in 1982! I had just started my doctoral work in New Orleans when I got an advance for a book I had written. That check was for $850, which seemed like all the money in the world at that time. I asked Carla what she wanted. She said, “A color television and a microwave.”

 We went to our local Sears and she picked out the ones she wanted. The television died long ago and I don’t remember anything about it. But she chose a microwave/convection combination that was the most expensive in the store. We lugged it home, set it up, and began modern life.

 That microwave was like a time machine. It was the only microwave my children ever knew while they were growing up. It was in our house in Louisiana when it got flooded; it traveled with us to Tennessee, and then, finally, landed in Florida. It cooked every conceivable meal that we set on our table. It was like that little battery bunny in the commercials—it kept going, and going, and going. Finally, it began acting unpredictably and we got a new one.

 Look around your house. How many items do you have that are still functioning from 1982 or earlier? I’m not talking about that seersucker suit you have in your closet hoping it will come back into style. What can you still use?

I have two turtleneck sweaters that I’ve had since 1976 when I bought them in Louisville, Kentucky. They still fit and I wear them under my shirts when the weather is really cold. Like me, they are showing signs of wear and tear, but they still work.

 The point is that we live so fast and have access to so many items that nothing seems to last very long. We buy something, it breaks, we throw it out and get another one. What is made to last?

 Religious faith puts us in touch with the eternal. As Hebrews 13:8 puts it, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Christ is the eternal anchor holding us fast to eternity. In a world of shifting values, changing priorities, and sliding morals, that is genuinely good news. Trust Him and live your life connected to something that won’t break down or wear out.

 Oh, and that seersucker suit in your closet—go ahead and wear it. Maybe you’ll start a new fashion trend.

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A Ready Harvest

“Look around you! Vast fields are ripening all around us and are ready now for the harvest.”

John 4:35b

I keep some special things on my desk. One is a fossilized fish. The label says that it was found in Wyoming and is 50 million years old. All time is God’s time and a thousand years are like a day to Him. Time is God’s gift to us to use wisely. Our time is limited.

Another thing on my desk is a bag of mini balls fired from muskets at Fort Sumter , South Carolina , during the Civil War. They remind me that people can treat other human beings in the most horrible and demeaning ways. Sin is a reality.

A third thing on my desk is a small globe. I slowly spin it and think about people all over the world who, for all their differences, are alike in one respect. They all need a savior.

A fish that represents time, a mini ball that represents our defect, and a globe that represents our mission. These three things speak to me as Jesus spoke to his followers: “Look around you. People are in need. Vast fields are ready and the time is now.”

Open your eyes to what God is doing around you today.

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A Crooked Smile

“Laughter can conceal a heavy heart; when the laughter ends, the grief remains.”

Proverbs 14:13

I flew over lower Manhattan one evening about a year after the 9/11 attacks there. I could clearly see where the twin towers of the World Trade Center had been. The city was lit up but the tower site was dark. From 30,000 feet it looked like a smiling face with two front teeth missing—a crooked smile that will never be quite right.

Our lives are filled with grief. The loss of anything significant to us can produce an inner pain that is hard to describe but easy to recognize. We have all had it. A personal tragedy, like a death in the family, or a national disaster, like the terrorists attacks, can send us into a tailspin while we cry out, “Where is God in all of this?”

Whatever the explanation, we live in a world filled with grief. The only genuine relief is from the loving embrace of our Heavenly Father. The writer of the proverb was right—when the laughter ends, the grief remains.

Through the grace of God, grief is never the last word.

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Me and Elvis:

Learning that the First Shall be Last

“Many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.” (Matthew 19:30)

Our family lived in Memphis years ago. One day our 16-year old son saw in the local paper that a movie about Elvis Presley was going to be filmed at Graceland . The film company was looking for extras—people who would appear in crowd scenes—so our son wanted to do it.

I took him to the sign-up area on the specified day and he was interviewed and signed up. Since he was a minor, I had to sign up also giving my permission for him to be in the movie. Several weeks later I got a call from the production company saying that they really did not want teenagers, but asking if I and my wife would be extras. The timing was good for our schedule so we agreed. I had never been on a movie set so I thought it might be interesting.

We drove out to the Graceland area at the appointed day and time and found ourselves in the middle of a madhouse. Hundreds of people milled around looking for the right tent. We finally found our way in the extras tent and were briefly interviewed and taken the to wardrobe tent. Carla’s clothes were okay. I was given a baseball cap. All of that took a couple of hours. Afterwards an assistant producer spoke to the group of extras we were in, explaining what we would do and how we would do it.

Our group was to mark Elvis’ birthday with a candlelight march in front of the wall at Graceland . It was supposed to be summer in the movie but we were filming in early spring and the weather was still cold. Every time they were ready to film, we all had to take off our coats and lay them out of view. Then when the director said “Cut,” everyone would run over and get our coats.

As we began, Carla and I found ourselves in the front of this line of people. Along with everyone else, we were to raise candles as we walked along. I thought how strange it would be that I would be in the front of that line in full view of the camera. I wondered what we would look like on film, but my reverie was short lived. Just as we were ready to film the first take, the director told our group to turn around. We turned around so now I was at the back of the line! When I saw the finished movie a couple of years later, I thought I could see my hand as I held up the candle.

We spent 14 hours on that set filming what turned out to be about one minute in the movie. I can’t imagine what it cost the production company to pay all of us and serve a catered dinner.

I think about that experience of being at the front of the line, then turning around and being at the back. It sounds downright biblical. Jesus once said, “Many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.” (Matthew 19:30). I appreciate high achievement but remember that if we spend our lives just trying to push our way to the front of the line, some day someone will say, “Turn around.” Then were will we be? In God’s economy, many surprises will emerge. That is one line I won’t care about my position in as long as I’m in there somewhere. How about you?

If you ever see the movie, “Finding Graceland,” pay attention to the candlelight walk in front of the mansion. Mine is the hand holding the short candle at the back of the line. I think.

Prayer: Lord, remind us that when we are with you, any place in line is okay. Through Christ, Amen.

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An Undeliverable Card

I have a greeting card that can never be delivered—unless the US Postal Service can find a way to get it to eternity.

This came about because I keep a three year calendar. A couple of years ago I somehow ended up buying two Mother’s Day cards. I sent one to my mother and put the other in my May calendar for a year ahead. Mom died shortly after I sent that first card, and I forgot about the second one until recently. I came across it in this year’s calendar. I felt really strange holding a card that can never be sent to its intended recipient.

But that mirrors so much of life. We run into situations where we realize we can never again do what we intended. No matter how much we may want it, we can’t hold on to the past. A loved one dies and we grieve that we will never hear their comforting, loving voice. Disease creeps up on us and robs us of the ability to do what we once enjoyed. An accident drops on us and in the blink of an eye we lose some function that we took for granted.

There is a good word for these situations—finality.

That is a hard word to say. We don’t like it and we spend great energy trying to find ways around it. We play the “if only” game. “If only I try harder it might get better.” “If only I act better maybe there’s still a chance.” And even, “If only I pray harder he might make it.”

But even prayer won’t change some situations. My mother is gone and the most fervent prayer won’t bring her back. What prayer will do, though, is help me to remember that life is short and I need to love while I can. It also reminds me to be grateful for what I enjoy now because it could be gone before I open next year’s calendar.

In his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught his disciples about reaching out to God. “When you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” (Matt. 6:7-8).

God knows. He knows the sorrow you feel over those situations stamped “final” in your life. He knows every loss and grief you have been through, and he knows the struggles you face right now. Of course God knows—He lost a Son once Himself.

So love now. Enjoy today. Be grateful this instant. It is really all you have. Squeeze every drop of joy from each day. Pray hard and love deeply.

And if you can, send you mom a Mother’s Day card.